Children: I am honored to give this commencement address today on this hallowed occasion — your graduation from pre-school.
What a journey it's been for you. Potty training. Threading small beads on a string. Naming six to eight colors and three shapes. Understanding that breakfast comes before lunch. I'm going to make this speech short because, according to National Network for Child Care, you have very short attention spans.
Class of 2008, you'll often hear commencement speakers pull out all the old clichés. They'll tell you how you can "change the world." I'm not going to tell you that today. I'm going to share with you an even greater prospect: You can change your underwear! Yes, it's true. Please, sit back down. Gerald, please give Tommy back his chopsy-whopsy.