Pomp and circumstance, and binkies, too

Children: I am honored to give this commencement address today on this hallowed occasion — your graduation from pre-school.

What a journey it's been for you. Potty training. Threading small beads on a string. Naming six to eight colors and three shapes. Understanding that breakfast comes before lunch. I'm going to make this speech short because, according to National Network for Child Care, you have very short attention spans.

Class of 2008, you'll often hear commencement speakers pull out all the old clichés. They'll tell you how you can "change the world." I'm not going to tell you that today. I'm going to share with you an even greater prospect: You can change your underwear! Yes, it's true. Please, sit back down. Gerald, please give Tommy back his chopsy-whopsy.

Many of you are off to kindergarten. Some will go to one of our fine public schools. Some to one of our elite private institutions. But the bonds you have formed here will never be broken, unless your mother has something against play dates.

This has been a long journey for most of you, a journey filled with adversity and triumphs. In this hallowed building during these hallowed eight to 27 months, you supported each other through good times and bad.

None of you will ever forget that cheerless day when The Wiggles announced that Yellow Wiggle Greg Page was leaving the group. And, later, when they announced that Sam Moran would be his replacement, I know what many of you were thinking: Sam Moran. That Sam Moran. I do not like that Sam Moran.

But you stayed tuned, didn't you? You gave Sam time to shed some bad habits from his "Dorothy the Dinosaur Show" days. You allowed him to find his inner Wiggle. You accepted him with a generosity of spirit.

Boys and girls, continue to show the world what it means to be generous. If our world were a balloon animal, it would be sort of like one of those week-old balloon animals that have shrunk and turned into desultory, prune-like orbs that linger kind of spookily and cannot be put out of their misery, even when you stomp on them.

It's a hurting world in which good manners are mislabeled "political correctness." A world in which, when we follow the leader, we often get doo-doo on our shoes. A world in which "circle time" is not like the one to which you are accustomed.

For instance, there is the circle time called the United Nations where no one ever sings "This Land is Your Land" and where bullies are rewarded. There is the circle time of the presidential War Room from which the smartest get expelled.

Yes, your generation faces unique challenges. You’ll see. For instance, many of you learned this year how to count to 10 in Spanish. Boys and girls, there will be people in our great land who will wince at the sound of your Spanish. They may threaten to call INS and have you deported. To them, say these words: “Venimos de en otra parte,” which either means

"Everyone comes from somewhere else" or “I forgive you for you know not what you do.”

Many of you now will head off to kindergarten, and so will begin your indoctrination in institutionalized learning. You will endure a cookie-cutter approach mandated by our government. Boys and girls, please remember two things: Cookies are yummy, but cookie cutters can crack your teeth and your spirit. Continue to find comfort in your superhero capes. In fact, I suggest you continue wearing those capes until you graduate high school. You'll need them.

Boys and girls, you are small, it's true. Puny, actually. But you are the bridge to the 21st-and-one-quarter century. Remember the lessons you learned here. Take naps. Sing your names. Continue to ask the big questions, such as "Why?" and "But why?" and "But, but why?"

On rainy days at home, go ahead and dress your cat up in your swimsuit. Defend your principles. Be fascinated with your belly buttons. Continue to laugh at your own jokes that make no sense. Speaking of which, I've got a good one: Why did the elephant go to the barber shop? Answer: Because a big dump truck when BOOB, BOOM, SMASH, and then it pooped! Yes, thank you to Milo for that one. Though he's repeated it more than 17,000 times, it never gets old, does it?

In closing, boys and girls of the Class of 2008, you have a unique opportunity not only to change your own underwear but to change the world's underwear as well. So I say to you now: Hold your noses and the hand of your buddy, and walk through those doors.

And no shoving.