How to field another drive-by survey

As a resident of that magnificent state just east of Albany, I can tell you, we don't need no stinkin' surveys to inform us we are probably the smartest people on the planet, that our hygiene is second to none, or that we are remarkable kissers.

Yet, yet. When it comes to driving, we are seen by the jealous citizens of the other 49 states as wild-in-the-streets lunatics. But you know what? You're wrong about us! And, indeed, this may be an ideal time to pull out a flattering survey. ...

According to results of the 2009 GMAC Insurance National Driver's Test, which many in my neighborhood taped to our refrigerators a year ago, Massachusetts ranks an impressive second-worst state -- not first. So there! Ha! Rhode Islanders rank worst!

Yet, yet. Dang it, to the rest of the nation, including the barbarians of the Empire State, the term "Massachusetts driver" is as common a pejorative as, well, "happy, avocado-eating Californians." (Maybe that's not a good example. 
"Microbrew-swilling, umbrella-toting Oregonians"? ... No?)

Anyway, the point is, the badgering birthright of Bay Staters is to be slurred.

"Son," I'll say to my boy when he comes of age. "They hate us because we're beautiful. Even if we keep our hands at 10 and 2 on the Thruway and travel at a gracious three miles over the speed limit in the middle lane, they'll persecute us. They'll see our handsome license plates with the lighthouse, and they'll let us know how they feel about us with a clarity consolidated to a single middle finger.

"Prove them wrong, son," I'll say. "Particularly when you cross the swamps into New York. Go right on red, unless otherwise posted. You're mother and I have bought you something special. Here: Your very own turn signal."

Anyway, until then, we listen to you New Yorkers talk, blah-blah-blah:

"Below the words 'Entering Massachusetts,' the state should add: 'Drivers beware,' " says Don Heppner of Katonah, N.Y., a frequent fair-weather vacationer to Massachusetts who tends to drink most of the beer in my refrigerator. "Massachusetts' drivers remind me of a whirling dervish gone mad."

OK. Got it.

"A Tonka toy couldn't fit between two cars going 75 miles an hour."

Heppner is still talking. Thanks, Don!

So where were we? Yes, Rhode Island motorists are lunatics, right? Let's ask the experts at AAA regional headquarters, located in (this is awkward) Providence, R.I.

"I don't know, didn't Forbes magazine just recently rate Rhode Island drivers as the best?" replied John Paul, traffic safety manager for AAA Southern New England.

Huh?

(Quick, but nonchalantly, we go to Google. We hum pleasantly. We type in "Forbes Rhode Island drivers." We read the rather disturbing Jan. 1 article in the Providence Journal that reports on the Forbes piece ...)

Yikes! Sure enough, based on numbers from the Fatality Analysis Reporting System of the U.S. Department of Transportation, our dear friends in the Ocean State rank safest. (Massachusetts drivers rank in the bottom five. New Yorker drivers rank somewhere in the belly of mediocrity, nothing worthy of a smarmy headline.)

Anyway, the point here is not whether surveys are a plague upon the nation (though some clearly are). The point is whether Massachusetts drivers are a plague upon the nation. So who's up for some honest, self-examination and scrutiny? Anyone? Yes ... Yes ... Me! ... a self-professed former lousy driver.

My name is Felix C. I used to be studiously inconsiderate behind the wheel until my boy turned 5 and became single-mindedly -- what's the word? -- "helpful." That is to say, he lectured from the backseat: "Dad, is it illegal to drive faster that the white sign says?"

You know what? I'm not even going to go into it. Let's just assume Massachusetts drivers are awful (splendid) drivers and we are aggressive (chivalrous) on the road and that our favorite book is "Racing Driver: The Theory and Practice of Fast Driving" ("Commonwealth of Massachusetts Driving Manual") and that all these problems (virtues) should be worked on (proselytized to out-of-staters). What exactly can we do better (turn into a teaching moment for the rest of humanity)?

Even though we believe our choice of turning or changing lanes is a private matter, we'll use our signals. We'll play your game. And even though we don't like to draw attention to ourselves, we'll hereby turn on our headlights on snowy and rainy days. Yeah? You like that? And get this: At four-way stops, we'll no longer challenge others to a duel to determine who goes first.

Most importantly, we'll stop coming up with all the solutions to all the world's problems while driving and save that till we get to the office. Instead, we'll smile more, particularly when driving in the Empire State. After all, smiling is what we're good at, despite the results of another mean-spirited study -- this one published last year in Science magazine -- that ranks Massachusetts residents near the bottom in "happiness."

Massachusetts ranked the 43rd happiest state, which is another way of saying we're miserable. Where does New York rank? Let's take a look. No, not there. Nope, don't see it. Still scrolling, still scrolling.

Whoa, there you are: Dead last!

You got that, Heppner? Who's happy now!