Real Housewives of Berkshire County

By Felix Carroll


Dear Executives at Bravo,

How does this sound: Real Housewives of Berkshire County.

That’s right. Let it sink in. Like anyone in their right mind, I’m a huge, huge fan of your Real Housewives franchise, particularly Real Housewives of New Jersey — season two — when Ashley pulls out Danielle's extensions. And the shopping spree in Italy and how Caroline should have just stayed home. And when Gia fails her audition and hires a dialect coach. And Danielle: Jeez, find your birth mother already, will ya!

With that in mind, the possibilities for a reality show here in Berkshire County are self-evident. Without further adieu allow me to acquaint you with your potential new cast. (I spoke with all of them; they are totally on board, though Bobbi is going hiking in Peru for most of the fall, just so you know):

Bobbi: Hiker/canoer/camper and English-as-a-second language teacher. Her husband, Tricky, plays in a David Bromberg cover band. Her vindictive neighbors make it known they buy only processed foods now following that embarrassing stunt Bobbi pulled at the farm share.

Selena: Sells raw milk out of her garage and lives with a terrible secret: Her twin boys hate the outdoors. Her husband, Scott, disappeared two years ago during a trip to Boston to lobby lawmakers for cell service in the hilltowns.

Helga: The goat raiser, cheesemaker, poisonously jealous of her sister Marybeth, a goat raiser and cheesemaker whose Castel Branco cheese is a knock-off of Helga’s Castel Branco cheese knock-off.

Leanne: The part-time co-op cashier and single mother with a lonely heart. She dreams of finding a handsome, young farmer with a masters degree in soil science and settling down and growing mesclun (and maybe fingerling potatoes).

I know you guys don’t “plan” storylines for each episode (wink-wink). I know it’s all about allowing events to unfold naturally (wink-wink), but, to get you started, here are some “potential” episodes that “could happen” under the “right circumstances” (wink-wink).

Episode 1: “Prairie Home Composters”

Bobbi wins an Eton Microlink FR160 hand-cranked weather radio at the fire department’s pig roast. Since she thinks she knows everything, she refuses to read the manual and stupidly mistakes a forecast of scattered showers in Greene County for 70 percent chance of severe thunderstorms in Berkshire County. The weather turns out to be perfect, but it’s too late now for a hike. Meanwhile, Leanne gets into a knock-down drag-out with Helga at the Tanglewood ticket office (Main Gate), accusing Helga of misleading her to “Prairie Home Companion.” “You told me it was James Taylor with Carole King, you rotten liar!” Helga apologizes. “Come on, let’s go in. Please. Garrison Keillor is a national treasure, and I brought some rosé.” Meanwhile, Selena is convinced the USDA has her home under surveillance.

Episode 2: “Uppity-Up with Muckety-Muckboots”

Meeting at the coffee shop after zumba, the girls talk style. Bobbi “just so happens” to have the latest Cabela catalog in her purse. “Oooo, look at that,” says Selena, flipping through the pages. “Formfitting, two-tone mini-mesh. How practical.” Leanne leans in. “Yeah, ok, but why would anyone buy a base layer top with no insect-blocker treatment?” Bobbi gives her a look. (If you could get inside her brain, you’d hear tick-tick-tick-KA-BOOM!) Leanne then announces she’s going to get a pumpkin muffin. She makes a fuss about it, walking to the counter with a clomp-clomp-clomp. No wonder: She’s wearing a chic pair of Sorel muck boots with the rubber buckles and micro fleece lining — and she wants everyone to know it. Helga whispers, “She paid a fortune for them — like 85 bucks!” Bobbi loses it. “It’s not even going to rain today. We’re expecting clear skies with a high near 81.”

Episode 3: “You Say Brattish, I Say ‘Where’s the Radish?’”

Leanne announces she has met a cute guy who owns an auger. Meanwhile, her angry 16-year-old daughter Jenni pulls up her mother’s potted heirloom tomato plants, replacing them with a Brandywine hybrid that has lackluster disease resistance. Meanwhile, Helga and Selma’s feud reignites after Helga returns from a two-day yogurt-making workshop only to discover that all her radishes have been stolen from her root cellar. She wrongly accuses Selena who had spent the entire two days working out a new water containment system on her property. Helga snaps at her: “Yeah, God forbid a drop of rain falls on your house and makes a clear getaway down the driveway!” Meanwhile, Bobbi and Tricky are invited to a soiree hosted by the second-homeowners’ lake association. The hosts had hoped Bobbi and Tricky would add local color to the gathering, but are upset that the two don’t smell like cow manure.

Episode 4: “Bring on the Bling”

Leanne’s cute guy arrives at her house unannounced and surprises her with a food dehydrator. “It was my mother’s,” he says. Meanwhile, Helga decides to settle the score with her sister Marybeth once and for all by hiring a hitman to filch Marybeth’s goat stanchion. Meanwhile, Selena has finally taken her New England thriftiness way too far when she invites the ladies over and soft boils a dozen eggs in the dishwasher.

Well, my friends at Bravo — what do you think? We can’t wait to show you what a real egg yoke looks like. You’ve never seen such yellow!