Welcome to the rig!

Hi kids! Welcome to BP’s Thunder Gulp Boys Summer Camp! We’ve got an awesome summer ahead of us!

Show of hands: How many of you have ever spent an entire summer on an ultra-deepwater, semi-submersible offshore drilling rig? No one? Perfect!

OK, let’s try this: How many of you have ever tried to make the best of an historic catastrophe?

Yes, you – you with the three ears. Ha! Just kidding! Gosh, we’re going to have a good time.


First, real quick, a little history: Big explosion, you may have heard about it. Ka-pow! Some gushing oil. Not much. Maybe a few million gallons a day, something like that. But where some see “gallons,” we at BP see “barrels,” and so from our perspective far fewer numbers of “barrels” of oil have polluted the Gulf than “gallons.” But you won’t hear that from the mainstream media.

Anyway, we’re in the midst of what’s called a drilling “moratorium.” Actually, we here at BP’s Thunder Gulp oil platform were about to call it a “bore-a-torium” – ha! – but then, during an emergency conference call, Denise, our V.P. of marketing, had an epiphany.

“Nestled in a secluded stretch of oil slick,” she said, “your friends at BP have seamlessly blended the core traditions of summer camp with an oil platform that’s super-duper awesome!”

Bottom line, heck, here we are!

OK, I’m not going to lie to you. It’s been a bad few months for fossil fuels. But you know the saying: “Where some people see lemons, others see lemonade.” We at BP like to say: “Where some people see an uncontrolled, irreversible environmental disaster, we also see – well – lemonade!”

Anyway, our hope is that by the time you leave here in eight weeks, you will come to appreciate that everything fun in the world is petroleum-based. Speaking of which, here’s a volleyball right here. Who wants it? Who wants it? You. OK, here it comes, here it comes.

Whoops, OK, that one got away. Did it bounce over the edge? Oh, jiminy crickets. Excuse me for a moment. Hey … Ed! We’ve gotta put some fencing up. I told you and your guys that last week. I said, “The volley balls are going to bounce off the platform and down into the Gulf.” I said it twice! What the heck?

OK, sorry kids. It’s OK, we’ve got other fun, petroleum-based activities. Show of hands: Who loves floor polish? Just kidding.

Like I said, lots of fun stuff planned. And get this, did you know the girls are camping out over there at ExxonMobil’s Falcon Talon II oil rig? Do you see it? So whatdya say? How’s about one of these evenings we all lower down on life pods and row over to Falcon Talon II and giving the girls a shocker? Who’s with me? Panty-raid!

Wait, am I even allowed to say “panty-raid”? Carl? Carl’s our platform attorney. No? Carl says “no.” OK, kids, forget I mentioned “panty-raid.” In fact, I don’t even think I did say “panty-raid.” What the heck is a panty-raid, anyway?

OK, no panty-raids. Also, because everything you see is highly flammable, definitely no campfires.

But kids, we’re in for a good time. Where else but BP’s Thunder Gulp Boys Summer Camp can you earn the Geiger Counter Badge or the High-Viscosity Badge? Where else but BP’s Thunder Gulp Boys Summer Camp can you scoop up an endangered migratory bird, wash it down and actually touch it?

We’ll also have some special guests. “Dividend refugees,” we’ll call them. They’ll be teaching a class on noose tying.

Also, did I tell you? We have our very own oil-rig mascot, Deep Pockets the Clown, who will be entertaining us all summer long with hilarious, oil-leak puns. Isn’t that right, Pockets?

“Yes, and I will be doing it with ‘a-plume’ and I will try not to be ‘crude,’ and sometimes I can’t help but ‘gush.’ Wickie-Wickie!”

Ha. Isn’t he great?

Also, through an act of epic charity, our friends over by the former site of Deepwater Horizon have supplied us with 2.5 million golf balls (also, petroleum-based, so you see what I mean!) We’ll be handing out Scare-the-Self-Righteous Badges to anyone who can drive a golf ball and hit a boat emblazoned with the words “Green Peace” on the side.

And skits. Who likes skits?

We’ve gotten hold of Colonial America replica wardrobe and will give out Thank-God-I-Live-in-the Modern-World-and-Don’t-Smell-Like-Wet-Wool Badges to the group who can best depict the hardships and utter stupid-dumb tedium of the world before fossil fuels. Can you imagine? Holy moley! 

Anyway, kids: Fun, fun, fun. Fun in the sun! That’s what Thunder Gulp Boys Summer Camp is all about! OK, let’s head down to the bunkroom, eat some freeze-dried chow, and tell ghost stories about green energy.

Hold on! Whoa, check out that sunset. Stunning! Hey Carl, take a look. Talk about “Beyond Petroleum.” Ha!

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